Okay, let’s begin:
The best part, I have to admit, is that I only caught the last half of the show, so surely I can sit through 15 minutes of Sandy without reverting to snarky, negative comments.

Hmm, her hair looks nice, a little less sunflower yellow…more like a yellowed wedding dress. Her kitchen is full of white objets. I’m not really sure what they’re meant to represent, but at least they’re not in Kool-Aid colors.

Sandy takes chicken and pineapple – apparently with jerk seasoning – off a tabletop grill. She dabs on a sauce made of reducing pineapple juice, jerk seasoning and brown sugar. There’s nothing too outlandish yet. This might be easier than I thought. She says the chicken took 6 minutes on each side (Sandy, hon, that might be a TAD too long) and the pineapple took 1 minute a side.

Sandy’s making a mango salad. Hmmm, refreshing. See? I’m trying. Sandy makes a dressing starting with ¼ cup lime juice…out of a glass bottle. Well, it could have been worse. It could have been a green plastic squeezable lime. 2 tablespoons honey and one teaspoon of jarred crushed garlic (I am getting uncomfortable now) get stirred into the lime juice. She adds 1 tablespoon red wine vinegar and whisks in ¼ cup olive oil with a pinch of salt.

She chops the romaine with her big knife. I’m not getting on her about that, I do that too. She adds 2 cups of thawed, “chunked mango”, “because this salad is all about the mango”.

This concoction goes into a mother of pearl (mother of pearl-like?) bowl of such hideousness that I can see my pro-Sandy intentions are going out the window fast. The lettuce, mango and cucumber get tossed with the dressing.

Then, she serves herself something out of a crockpot. Remember, I came late to this party. I’m thinking, “Beef Stew doesn’t seem all that Caribbean to me. But maybe, knowing Sandy, she’s added rum or some fruit.”

It turns out IT’S NOT BEEF STEW, IT’S BREAD PUDDING! Oh my, that can’t be good.

She moves on to her strong suite – the cocktail. You can hate Sandy, but you have to admit that she has quite a repertoire. She’s making a Flirtini, very appropriate with her friendly personality.

Sandy pours coconut rum (Malibu is her fav) into a most attractive plain pitcher filled with ice (I think it’s even real…the ice, I mean). She adds citrus vodka (this IS looking rather potent), pineapple juice and some cranberry juice. Just beautiful, truly. I’m impressed. See, she CAN do it! Oh wait, she’s not finished. Into this so-far-without-reproach cocktail, she adds SOUR MIX*.

Okay, all bets are off. What the hay is she doing? She could have gotten the same effect from squeezing in a lime, a real lime, and adding sugar syrup. Sour mix is transforming that fruity, tropical cocktail into one with an artificial and bitter aftertaste and fake foam.

She tastes it, gets buzzed and tells us she has to change for her “beach time soirée” and then show us her tablescape. I’ve officially abandoned my be-nice position.

Sandy’s in the dining room. There’s a reason that there’s an old saying “There’s no blue food,” because THERE ISN’T ANY! (That should apply to drinks too.)

Sandy produces a blue drink “for the kids”, just to match her insanely ugly headband.

*Ingredients:
high fructose corn syrup, citric acid, sodium citrate, sodium benzoate, potassium sorbate, polysorbate 60, gum Arabic, sodium metabisulfate, glyceryl abietate