St. Petersburg, FL – Scientists announced today to a group of 12,300 food industry executives attending the Global Food Additives Convention that a new sweetener is expected to be approved by the FDA and hence given world-wide acceptance.

It is expected that the new sweetener, called santonexame, will rapidly displace aspartame. santonexame is 200 times sweeter than aspartame. Although it is 100 times as expensive, food industry executives will be essentially obliged to use it thanks to their fiduciary responsibilities to stock holders.

In trials on Chinese prisoners, no adverse effects were noted. There were no complaints from the prisoners. In fact, they stopped complaining about everything. One apparent good side-effect seems to be that after using this food additive, consumers will not complain about anything, no matter what.

It was also noted that internal organs, harvested from prisoners who used santonexame, did not have to be refrigerated prior to use; they stayed fresh for weeks at room temperature.

There were a few cases of brain cancer in the group, but that was traced to bad water used at the prison; the scientists threw out those subjects from the study.

The brains of 538 of the 2000 test subjects grew so quickly that the skulls were fractured. The trace contaminant found in the water at the prison: aspartame, a known carcinogen.